


like the bonfire that burned

by crockercorptm



Series: all the things yet to come [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb thinks he doesnt deserve nice things, Comfort, Fluff, Holding Hands, M/M, Molly helps him through it, Panic Attacks, Self-Loathing Caleb Widogast, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-17 13:34:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20621867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crockercorptm/pseuds/crockercorptm
Summary: He has to stop himself from jolting away whenever Molly brushes a hand over his arm, or gently runs his thumb across his scarred and bandaged knuckles. These tender, quiet moments were still so new, sofragile, and he didn’t want to ruin them.





	like the bonfire that burned

**Author's Note:**

> you guys were so nice and supportive on my last fic, and you asked for more so here you are! this is a continuation of my last fic but you don't need to read it to enjoy this one
> 
> title from "wasteland, baby!" by hozier

During a quiet night, after a busy day is far behind them and the rest of group is busy getting sloppy drunk, Caleb finds Molly sitting on the floor of his room he shares with Nott. He has his sleeves rolled up, and his hand pressed into his cheek, leaning into it contemplatively. His elbows are pressed into his knees as he sits with his legs crossed, with his cards splayed out in front of him on the floor.

The sight of Molly in his space is still so startling, it takes Caleb a moment to figure out what is happening. Even though the tiefling has been slowly and cautiously inserting himself into Caleb’s life, it is still a surprise when he chooses to be near him. He is used to being alone. He was alone for a long time before Nott, and the idea of being so close to someone new is making his heart pound. But here Molly is, in his space, in his _room_ of all places, acting like he belongs there, as if this is where he had been the entire time.

“Oh, Caleb! Glad to see you!” Molly smiles, as if Caleb was the guest in the wrong room, not the other way around.

“Er, _ja_,” he stutters, and finds himself digging into his pockets to find a calming distraction; a bit of wire, maybe. Going through the motions of a simple spell always left him at ease. There was something about Molly grinning in his room - _his_ space - that left him tongue tied and his mind foggy.__

_ __ _

_ __ _

“Impeccable timing as always, dear,” Molly flourishes his hands, and waves his fingers playfully, “I was just about to complete a reading. Do I happen to see a volunteer from the audience?” Molly makes a big show of putting his hand over his eyes in a mock salute, and looks about the room, before his squinted eyes meet Caleb and his face lights up. “Oh yes! The _handsome_ wizard in the front row! Come up on stage dear, you will do nicely.”

“Me?” Caleb asks, he tries to will away the steady blush forming on his face from the offhand compliment. _Handsome._

“Yes, yes! Take a seat.”

Unable to resist the little game Molly is playing, he sits down across from him, leaning his back against the bed. Caleb glances at the intricate cards decorating the dirty floor, curious as to what Molly’s plans are. With a wink Molly waves his hands across the cards hypnotically, “Let’s see what the spirits have to say about you, hmm?”

He picks up and card and spins it, so he’s holding it between his two fingers. The artwork on the card depicts a man holding a lantern, though the image is upside down.

“The reversed Hermit, hmm, that’s very interesting.”

Molly places the card upright in front of him with care. “This card _usually_ represents introspection, and finding inner guidance. However, when it is reversed, it takes this concept further, and means isolation, loneliness and withdrawal. Are you hiding from something Caleb?”__

_ __ _

_ __ _

Caleb’s heart speeds up.

“Maybe, you’re hiding from _someone_? Maybe even a certain very attractive purple tiefling?” Molly’s voice is light and playful, but his smile seems a bit forced.__

_ __ _

_ __ _

It makes his head spin, how Molly is able to quickly identify what he is struggling with, how he knows him so well. He thought he had been very casual about his avoidance of Molly, but stealth was never his strong suit. He can hear the voice in the back of his mind screaming _run, run, run_.__

_ __ _

_ __ _

“The spirits seem to know an awful lot about me,” Caleb says, gritting his teeth.

Molly laughs lightly, “I’m always accurate, and you haven’t been around as much. And it’s really unfair, I miss seeing your stunning face.”

Caleb grimaces a bit at the gentle accusation, fiddling with his spell components in his pockets. He hadn’t _meant_ to withdraw himself from Molly, honestly. It was just all so overwhelming still at this point.__

_ __ _

_ __ _

He has to stop himself from jolting away whenever Molly brushes a hand over his arm, or gently runs his thumb across his scarred and bandaged knuckles. These tender, quiet moments were still so new, so _fragile_, and he didn’t want to ruin them with his stupid, emotional baggage. But he also didn’t know how to let himself enjoy them, either. So in the end he has just been slowly backing away from Molly like the coward he is.__

_ __ _

_ __ _

He doesn’t _want_ to run away from this, but he can’t stop himself. Every nerve in his body is screaming for him to _run_; run and never quit. After a moment, Caleb just shrugs his shoulders. Molly cups his chin in contemplation, and puts his other hand on his hip.____

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

“Caleb, dear, am I making you uncomfortable?”

“_Was? Nein!_ Of course not!”__

_ __ _

_ __ _

“Just making sure. You _know_ that if I do anything you don’t like you can ask me to stop it, alright?”__

_ __ _

_ __ _

“_Ja_, I know Mollymauk.” And that was the problem, wasn’t it? Molly was only doing this because Caleb asked him to, and he would stop the second he said the word. He was so _careful_ with him, it made him nauseous just thinking about it. “I think, maybe… I should go now,” Caleb moves to stand up, trying to remove himself from this awkward situation. He remembers when he used to get so frustrated with Molly avoiding him, and now he is doing the same thing. He’s so pathetic, a couple friendly smiles and pats on the back leave him scared, paranoid, and itching to bolt at any second. Hypocrite.____

_ _ __ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

“Caleb, wait a second.”

Something in Molly’s voice stops him, and he stands still. He looks down at the tiefling, sitting amongst his scattered cards, looking a bit too defeated for his tastes. Molly runs his hand through the hair that has fallen out from between his horns, and lets out a long,tired sigh.

“Why don’t you just _talk_ to me? I swear I will understand, you don’t have to ignore me. I’m sorry, I just don’t - I thought we were...”__

_ __ _

_ __ _

“We were what, Mollymauk?” Caleb snaps, surprising himself with his sudden anger. He hates himself for getting so upset. He doesn’t want Molly to see this side of him, this ugly, rotten, part of him that he had tried for years to leave behind. Molly is nice, and he’s just trying to help. It’s what he _does_, he always leaves a place better than he found it, a spare copper here, a friendly hello there, his friends are no exception.__

_ _

_ __ _

Molly recoils back a bit at the harshness of his words, “I thought we were friends Caleb. You can trust me. You can _talk_ to me. I want to help you but I can’t if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.” The sincerity in his words makes Caleb nervous. Flashes of his past life fly through his mind. The people who cared for him always, _always_ ended up hurt. The thought of Molly wanting to be close to him makes him shudder.____

_ _ _ _

_ _ __ _ _

“Maybe I don’t deserve your help,” Caleb growls, and the air instantly feels heavy with tension. They both stare at each other for a moment, unable to break eye contact.

_Run, run, run.___

_ __ _

_ __ _

Despite his anger, Caleb’s breathing is coming in short, panicked gasps now, as if he can’t fill his lungs fast enough. A switch in his mind flips, and suddenly, its as if he is watching his body from a few feet above. His hands are numb and tingly to his fingertips, and he feels himself digging his nails into his arms, leaving familiar, sharp crescent shaped marks. I’m having a panic attack, he thinks absently.

“Hey, Caleb? Darling? Are you alright?” Molly jolts up from where he is sitting on the floor, looking concerned.

“_Ja,_” he says.

“Hmm, you don’t look alright to me.” He can see Molly, he knows he is in front of him, but his eyes feel as if they are viewing everything through frosted glass. Molly’s lips begin to move, but the voice hears is disconnected. “Can I touch your back, is that okay?”

“_Ja,_” he says again, instinctively. It’s hard enough to think about breathing fast enough to fill his too small lungs, he can’t focus enough right now to try and say any other words. His stupid, brilliant brain is failing him.

Softly a hand presses onto his back, and begins to rub in a circular motion. He is still gasping for air and his entire body trembles. Distantly, he knows he will be ashamed of this later. “Take a deep breath for me, okay? You’re alright. You’re safe here with me.”

Caleb finds himself relaxing into the soothing touch despite himself. His breathing begins to even out a bit, though his hands continue to shake violently.

“Yeah! Just like that! It’s alright, you’re safe.”

They remain that way for a few minutes, Caleb’s mind and body fighting with each other. All the while Molly gently reassures him, and continues to rub his back softly. After some time, his breathing slows down to a relatively normal speed, and his shaking mellows out.

“I’m sorry for this,” he gasps, “God I’m so _pathetic. Verdammt._”

Molly leans in close to him, his hand now resting on Caleb’s shoulder. Idly, he rubs his thumb across the junction of Caleb’s neck and shoulder. He attempts to suppress a shudder as the soft touch ghosts over his neck.

“Hey,” Molly whispers, “you’re not pathetic alright? People get panic attacks all the time, it’s normal. I got them lots when I first joined the circus.”

Caleb chuckles morbidly, “Is that why you’re so good at this?”

Molly shrugs his shoulders. For a second they just sit in silence, content.

Then, Molly seems to contemplate something for a moment; he reaches out, and looks up with his bright, red eyes. His hand is hovering where Caleb’s trembling fist is, and he raises an eyebrow, asking a silent question. _Is this okay?_ Caleb nods his head wordlessly, and reaches up to embraces Molly’s hand.

He is soft. Despite all of the fighting, and traveling the group faces daily, Molly has soft hands. Caleb supposes it is appropriate. He knows his hands are not soft. He has killed and injured and _burned_ with these hands, the screams still forever ingrained in his mind. He knows that they are singed, and charred and calloused, and it would not be pleasant to hold his hand. But Molly wants to anyways.

“Isn’t that better, dear?”

“Um, _ja_, I suppose.”

It _did help to have something physical to hold onto, like an anchor to the earth. It helps his drifting thoughts to become more tethered and focused to the current moment._

__

“Molly, I should not have gotten angry with you, _es tut mir leid_. You are only looking out for me.”

Molly laughs and squeezes his hand reassuringly, “I’m sorry too, I shouldn't have confronted you like that. Of course, I want to know what’s bothering you, but it should be at your own pace.”

After a moment, Molly looks into his eyes, a serious expression decorating his face, “Caleb, can I - uh, give you a hug. No offence dear, of course, but you look like you need one.”

The familiar urge to run away sneaks up on him, and he backs away from the tiefling without thinking. He looks down at their joined hands, something so small and _simple_. If he was a braver man he would reach for Molly’s hand constantly, feel the steady weight and grip, but he isn’t. He thinks of Jester and Nott and Beau and even Yasha, who all show and share their affections easily and without thinking. If they wanted to reach for Molly’s hand they would, but he just _can’t_.

_I don’t deserve this_, he thinks, _but I want this_.

So he draws up from a well of courage deep, deep inside of him, swallows his shame, and leans into Mollymauk’s embrace.

“_Ja_, a hug would be great, actually.”

Molly reaches his arms around him and Caleb buries his face in the crook of his neck. Caleb holds on as if for dear life, and just _breathes_.

He smells nice, like the incense he uses to summon Frumpkin back as a cat. There’s something else too, something similar to the smoke that comes after a particularly nasty fire spell. Usually, the thought of smoke and ash would leave him breathless and panicked, but here in Molly’s arms the smell is comforting. Like a crackling fireplace on a cold winter’s day. He is sure Molly can smell him too. _I should have gone to the bathhouse,_, he thinks, absentmindedly.

Molly is rubbing soothing circles into his back, “Caleb, is something bothering you?”

Caleb reluctantly stands up, “Actually… there is something.” _ He trusts Molly, he can say this. He can say this, he’s allowed. Molly will not be upset._ “You were right, I am hiding from something.”

“What is it?”

“It’s… you. I don’t know how to handle, um, all of _this_,” he admits, and gestures between them with his free hand, “It’s been ah - well, a long time… Since anyone, well, made an effort. And even then, she was… Everything is still sort of new.”

Molly smiles and grabs his hand again, “That’s fine we can do this at a speed you’re comfortable with, no rush.”

“That’s the thing, you’re so, uh, _considerate_. I don’t know how to deal with it.”

A quiet laugh, Molly’s voice becomes overly flirtatious, lilting in a playful manner. “What would you rather, dear? I can be rough if you want me to.”

Caleb flushes instantly, “Oh - ah, no. That will not be - I mean…”

“I’m just teasing, dear,” Molly says, intertwining their fingers. “We can do this however you like.”

“And what is… _this_?”

Caleb swears he can see a dark purple rise up to colour Molly’s cheeks. For someone so shameless, it is hard to imagine how such a simple question could cause him embarrassment. Did he say something wrong? Probably. He always does.

Molly just shrugs his shoulders, and looks away, “We’re friends now. We look out for each other. I want you to feel comfortable and happy. You _deserve_ to be happy.”

Thinking back to the words he had flung angrily at Molly earlier Caleb frowns. _Maybe I don’t deserve your help._ He still does not believe the words that Molly is saying. He must see the look of doubt Caleb’s face and he continues on with earnest.

“You do! You’re an important part of our ragtag team! You’ve helped us out of many perilous situations! I for one, do not know where I would be now without you.”

“Anyone could’ve…”

Molly waves his hands and places a single finger up to Caleb’s mouth, in a shushing motion. He isn’t touching him, but all Caleb would have to do is lean in _slightly_ and his soft finger would be pressed against his lips. It becomes a little more difficult to breathe.__

_ _

_ __ _

“Nuh uh, I know what you’re going to say and you’re _wrong_.” The tiefling readjusts his positions so he is standing beside Caleb now. He still continues to hold onto his hand, gripping tight the entire time. “You _are_ amazing! And not just in magic stuff, but… as a friend. You can’t see it but you are a _good_ person, Caleb.”

Caleb laughs humourlessly.

“You _are_. Say it back to me, ‘I am a good person’.”

“I - I am…” Caleb can’t. _I am a good person_. He tries to say it but he just _can’t_. He cannot make the words unstick themselves from where they sit lodged painfully at the back of his throat. If he says the words that Molly wants him to say he would be lying. Caleb is a garbage person, he’s done terrible things and doesn’t deserve any of this. Maybe Molly thinks he does, but Molly is _wrong_.__

_ __ _

_ __ _

Caleb watches as Molly sees him struggling with the words, and his usually cheerful face becomes crestfallen.

“Oh, _Caleb_, sweetheart.”

His heart jumps at the name. Sweetheart. He rolls the word over in his head, and a warm feeling envelops his chest. He feels a little giddy thinking about it. _Sweetheart_.

After running his hand through his hair, Molly looks into Caleb’s eyes, and suddenly embarrassed, he averts his gaze. He can’t look at Molly right now, this close and holding hands, it was too much, too overwhelming, too personal. If he looks into Molly’s eyes he will be able to see every terrible thing that Caleb has done.

“I’m sorry.” He says instinctively. 

“None of that now, dear. You have nothing to apologize for. Here, why don’t we sit down, hmm? Let’s just relax for a second.” Molly then leads him towards the bed, and they both sit down carefully. Caleb’s hands are still trembling, the adrenaline from his panic attack earlier still racing in his veins. Molly just squeezes his hand gently, as if to reassure him, and he feels himself calm down a little.

“And just one more thing….” Molly then gets up and quickly walks over to where his coat is resting on a chair. He grabs it, and then places the colourful garment with great care onto Caleb’s shaking shoulders. He leans in close, and fixes a lapel, laying it smooth with a quick hand motion, and then pats Caleb’s chest when he was done.

“There! Perfect.” Molly steps back as if to admire his handiwork, and after a second he smiles a bit and lets out a strangled sigh.

“What’s that face for?”

Molly seems to flush a bit, “Oh, nothing dear, you just uh - you, look pretty good in my coat, actually.”

“Oh.” Now it was Caleb’s turn to blush. “Bit too colourful for me, but you look, um, you look pretty good in your coat - I mean… you look good, in general, of course. All the time. Not just wearing your coat.”

A soft laugh. “Thank you dear.”

He can feel his face get hot. Good job, Caleb. Real smooth.

“Er, Mollymauk?”

“Hmm?”

“Could you… could you maybe stay with me? I mean, I know it’s late, if you want to go to your room that’s fine, but Nott’s out with Jester, and it’s easier to fall asleep with someone watching my back.”

Molly seems to come alive at this suggestion, a wide grin decorating his face, and all of Caleb’s doubts melt away “Of course! Whatever makes you feel comfortable! There’s only one bed do you mind if we..?”

“_Nein_. I do not mind.” Quite the opposite, actually.

In an awkward shuffle, they both attempt to stand up, and reorganize themselves so that they can lay down in bed. Caleb grips tight to the coat around him, breathing in the soothing scent that is so uniquely Mollymauk. Meanwhile, the tiefling heads to the lantern that is propped up on a small table, and puts the small flame out, enveloping the room in a blanket of darkness. The lack of sight is startling at first, but wrapped up in a soft bed and Molly’s coat, the room doesn’t seem so empty.

He hears a shuffling of material as Molly walks back towards the bed. Then a weight dips the mattress as he lays down beside him, and settles under the blanket. He can feel the warmth of Molly’s skin even from his side of the bed, and every part of him aches to just lean into it, let it surround him.

After a beat of silence, Caleb speaks up, his voice soft, “Molly… thank you.” Even though he can not see, he can feel Molly’s soft smile. He can still feel his mind telling him to run away, but he pushes the thoughts aside. He doesn’t want to run, he’s tired. Right now he just wants to lay next to kind and gentle friend.

“Not a problem, sweetheart. You know you can come to me for anything.”

_Sweetheart._ Caleb’s pulse jumps and he knows that his face is beet red. The way Molly says it is so tender and full of adoration, as if he is speaking to a lover, and not a scruffy wizard. He is currently grateful that the dark obscures his embarrassed expression. “I like that. I like that name.”

“Hmm, really?”

“_Ja._” The emotional conversation had exhausted him, and he is too tired to lie. He can already feel sleep tugging at his eyes, and pulling his body down into the mattress.

“Well then,” Molly’s voice becomes playful, “How about a goodnight kiss, _sweetheart_?”

“_Ja_, I would like that, Mollymauk.” _This is okay. Molly says that this is okay, and if you don’t like it, you tell him and he will leave you alone. Molly thinks that you deserve to be happy. Molly thinks that you are a good person._

With great care, Molly shifts forward in the dark and places his hand lightly against Caleb’s jaw. He tucks a loose stand of hair behind his ear to clear the space, and then he can feel his hot breath on his cheek. The light press of lips barely touches his face, just like they had before, and then they are gone. A comfortable warmth envelop him, spreading from his chest to the edges of his body.

“You have given me two kisses now, and you have received none. That does not really seem fair.” Caleb tries to relax, and not let his voice betray how nervous he is, “Could I give you a kiss as well?”

“It’s not a transaction darling, but if it will make you feel better, then of course.”

He reaches blindly in the dark, and touches a warm surface. He runs his fingers across the surface, searching for Molly’s face, letting his touch ghost across the skin lightly. He finds a nose, the dip of lips, and finally the smooth, tattooed cheek. Molly shifts a bit, almost leaning towards him. Caleb takes a breath to steady himself, and pushes towards Molly. He barely presses his lips against his cheeks before he skittishly retreats back to the safety of his side of the bed.

“_Gute nacht_,” he says breathlessly and turns over, so he faces the wall.

From behind him he hears a smiling voice, “Goodnight, Caleb.”

**Author's Note:**

> again im posting this at 2:00 am and i have no beta so im very sorry for mistakes! thank you for the support i miss molly lol


End file.
